Being a Submissive Domme

A couple of weeks ago I went on a bit of a rant about how I tend to feel lonely because I can’t talk to anyone about cuckolding (yes I know boohoo, poor girl gets big cock every weekend and still complains) but the lovely Domme Luck reached out and invited me to join the Domme Bloggers group on Reddit. Every month they choose a topic to write about, just as a means of sparking conversation between like-minded people. This month’s challenge was regarding powerful female idols/archetypes that resonate with us as a domme. As soon as I read the topic I drew a blank, not because I couldn’t think of any strong women (seriously it’s 2015) but because I don’t necessarily identify as a domme.

I know it’s strange to think that I get so much pleasure emasculating Nathan and reinforcing the idea that not only is he MY cuckold but he will always be second to my bulls, that I wouldn’t in the slightest way feel dominant. I know my actions are sexually dominant, and on the spectrum of cuckolding I’m very much in the domme camp, however saying the word out loud as an adjective for myself, just feels incredibly uncomfortable and fake.

I thought initially it was because the dominant role I play with Nathan is more of a means to an end. I do it so that we both get off, and don’t get me wrong I do enjoy it – particularly the orgasm denial. But if I didn’t have to be dominant towards him, it wouldn’t really remove any of the pleasurable aspects for me. I might get an itch for it every now and then, but it’s not like I’ll never cum again. Plus when re-entering the non-sexy world we have a completely equal dynamic with no one more in control than the other. Cuckolding is a lifestyle for us, but not D/s, maybe that’s the difference?

My other theory is that if I was to choose between being submissive or dominant during sex, I would choose submissive over and over again… One of the benefits of cuckolding for me, is that because Nathan is also sexually submissive, by being with a dominant or alpha bull, we simultaneously get that fix we’re craving. I love nothing more than being bound, gagged and/or blindfolded and letting a bull have his way with me. I will also make the very controversial admission that I really, REALLY like force play. Again, if I was going to use labels I still wouldn’t even feel comfortable saying I was a submissive. I enjoy being sexually submissive but I do not belong to anyone nor will I supplicate. Nathan still remembers (and likes to tease me) about the time a bull screamed his head off at me for trying to kiss him without permission and not calling him master, to which I politely advised he “get fucked” and showed him the door.

If we were to venture outside of the D/s labels, I’ve also read previously someone stating that all women with cuckold partners are simply exhibitionists since they like to have sex with someone else in front of their partner. Truth be told, if I’m getting a really good fucking I wouldn’t even notice if Nathan was there or not. So I wouldn’t classify myself as an exhibitionist either.

So what am I? I’m not really sure I even care to be labeled. I know what I definitely like and don’t like when it comes to sex, and I think that should be good enough. It’s so easy to get hung up on labels in cuckolding, especially when there’s a plethora of labels to determine what niche of an already narrow spectrum you fit into. Sure it helps you find who/what you’re after but if I constantly limited myself to only submissive sexual encounters I might never have properly explored my dominant side with Nathan. It blows my mind to think such a world could exist where Nathan isn’t denied his orgasms… Perish the thought!

Tell me how you identify yourself sexually! Or are you having a slightly neurotic identity crisis like myself? As always, I love to hear your thoughts and theories. And because I am no expert, I suggest checking out for the fiction and musings of an unrepentant submissive slut.

Patty xx



  1. This is such a great post. (And thanks for the shout out!) Words and labels are so inadequate and limiting. I do have a part of me that, I guess, would be labeled switchy. I love the physical/forceful aspects of submitting sexually. It just feels *good* as a purely physical matter and is a huge turn on. But similarly to you I think, I can’t stand the more mental suplication that lots of people bring into it – that just either pisses me off or makes me laugh, depending how it’s presented. It’s like, you’re here to fuck me hard and pull my hair and throw me around.. that doesn’t make you special, now get back to it and shut up. So calling myself a sub feels disingenuous.

    I think a cuckolding relationship like the one you have would be a great fit for me with the right partner. I can achieve a similar effect with power struggle play or by ordering or rewarding my sub to take me by force after a long session of service or tease and denial. I have a fantasy right now of making my sub do this while I keep a tight hold on his leash and collar. This is all to say, that “domme” is, I agree, an isolating and exclusionary label. The heart of it to me, the concept that it stands for, can be very wide and inclusive. Domme may not be the right word for you, but I doubt any one word is really wide enough to capture everything about any of us. It’s all just proxies to help us tell our stories and identify our allies in the world. The more we talk about these spectrums and gray areas, the easier they will be to talk about. Again, awesome post. I love hearing these kinds of perspectives.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment! Like yourself I find it really intriguing reading about other people’s perspectives and finding where we all align ourselves on the broader spectrum. I think everyone’s felt a little bit fake or disingenuous at some stage, but it all serves to direct us towards what it is that really works for us.

      ps. I love that idea of cuckold on a leash, I may just steal that one from you 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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