heart break

When Cuckolds Go Bad: AKA The Time He Broke My Heart

Two posts this week and this one is extra long, because I anticipate flaking out over the next two weeks and not posting anything as work picks up again.

Since I started this blog, I’ve had a number of people men email me about how lucky Nathan and I are for having a cuckold relationship that works. Short of being his wife, everything Nathan did seemed to have come straight from a cuckold fantasy novel (or that ridiculous instructional video):

Step 1: Get girlfriend

Step 2: Ask her to cuckold you and have her agree that it all sounds pretty neat

Step 3: Big cocks will fall from the heavens into all her holes

Step 4: You are now a cuckold, so maybe get a cage and a strap-on or something

Ok so I’m being a tad facetious. But that’s why I’ve decided to write about something that still causes an ache in my heart from time to time. Everyone seems to assume once you’re in a cuckold relationship, you’re completely immune from other relationship dramas that can affect ‘normal/vanilla’ couples. Even I’m guilty of focusing completely on how much more intense and passionate our relationship is compared to any other relationship that I’ve had previously. And of course then there’s the old adage that cuckolding is all about communication, and if you’re communicating all the time then there’s no room for secrets right?

I’ll start from the very beginning. Before Nathan and I went on our first date, we were acquaintances at best. He seemed like a nice guy, our conversations were always interesting and always full of laughter but I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend at the time. Reason being, I had a 6+ month trip booked to travel solo across South America. When Nathan asked me out, I figured dinner and drinks wouldn’t be so bad because he knew I had my trip planned so he obviously wasn’t expecting it to go any further. Of course we all know how that ended, I went back to his place, we fucked and then he told me about cuckolding and here we are today.

I was scheduled to leave for South America 10 months after our first date so from the beginning we knew that it wasn’t casual, but we would have to decide whether or not to stay together or take a break and see how we felt about picking up again after I returned. I didn’t feel right about making him wait for me so I suggested we take a break. Well not take a break as such, we’d stay in touch as much as possible but if we met someone that we believed could turn into something more long term, then we’d end our relationship, no hard feelings.

It goes without saying I banged my way around the continent. I emailed Nathan every night, and when I’d wake up in the morning his reply would be sitting there waiting for me. I fell more in love with him every day and when it got to the 3 month mark of my trip, I realised that I didn’t want to be with anyone else besides him.

It was around this time that I ended up becoming closer to a British guy that I met in Chile (and then coincidentally bumped into in three other countries after that) and we decided to travel together from there on. Andy was so beautifully British in everything he did and we got along even better after he discovered I made a great wingman for him. We spent most days traipsing through little villages and then hitting bars at night. One night when we both struck out and were still pretty drunk, we decided to go back to my hotel and lounge around by the pool. I lay on the grass and Andy sat next to me, cross-legged. We were having standard drunken banter, drifting from topic to topic when he suddenly asked, “Hey Patty, do you think I’m attractive?” I giggled and told him I thought he was as cute as a button, reaching up to pinch his cheeks. He slapped my hand away, “No I’m serious. I mean… It’s just we spend all this time together, and you’re always helping me hook up with other girls and I was just wondering why… You didn’t want to… you know… hook up with me…? I know you have a boyfriend and he’s ok with you fucking all these guys, but I feel like we have this brilliant connection and I want to be with you all the time and I care so much about you and yeah… I guess I just want to know why him and not me? ” I lay there in silence, not knowing quite what to say. I was definitely starting to feel something for Andy, but wasn’t sure if it was real or just because he was there when Nathan wasn’t.  Then I said probably the only realistic and kindest thing I could’ve told him to spare both our feelings, “Andy even if I didn’t have a boyfriend back home, we couldn’t do anything about it. You’re not going to uproot your life in England on a whim to be with me, and I’m not going to do the same and leave Australia to be with you. That’s why we get along so well, because we both think that sort of behavior is idiotic.” He lay down next to me and sighed, “I guess you’re right. Must be all the beer talking… Turning me into Hugh Grant or some shit…” I turned around and hugged him and we fell asleep by the pool in each other’s arms. We were woken up the next morning by angry Colombians yelling and shooing us with sticks (turned out it wasn’t my hotel but the one next door, oops). Still groggy and slightly hungover we ran out onto the street, and I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself for not giving into temptation and staying true to Nathan.

Fast forward to the day I returned back home, and I was unbelievably excited to see Nathan. Cuckold or not, I was going to fuck him until his dick fell off. So imagine my surprise to find he wasn’t as excited to see me. I stood in his doorway smiling away like a moron before he awkwardly gave me a hug and invited me in. I pretended not to notice and started gushing about how much I missed him and how I had so many more stories to tell him besides the ones I had already emailed. Nathan said “Cool.” We went out for dinner, I watched him push his food around on the plate for a good 5 minutes before asking what was wrong. “Nothing, it’s just overwhelming seeing you again after being gone so long.” I feigned a smile, but internally my gut was twisting and my brain was going into overdrive trying to figure out what I could have done  wrong, what sign I could have missed that maybe he wasn’t as vested in me as I was in him.

Two months passed and although Nathan was more affectionate than that first night I returned, something still seemed off. So I did something I’m not entirely proud of, and went through his emails. He was in the shower and had left his laptop on and logged into his emails, and I suppose I just felt that if I had some reassurance we were definitely ok, I could leave it be. I skimmed through, mostly from me plus other things he’d subscribed to, and then I saw one from Elly. Nathan had told me they were friends who hooked up one time before he and I got together, but they didn’t speak any more. He hadn’t mentioned at all they were back in contact so I grew exceedingly nervous when I scrolled further down to see there were more from her. I drew in a breath sharply and clicked on one at random that had been sent a month ago. All it said was “Mmm I like the sound of that.” So I scrolled down to read his original email, which detailed all things he wanted to do to Elly including greeting her at the door, holding her hands above her head and fucking her against the wall. I still can’t articulate the level of betrayal I felt in that moment. Was everything we had together just a joke? Why would he think this is ok? Was he only asking me to deny him all this time because he was off fucking Elly? Or was he only pretending to want to be cuckolded because he wanted to justify his cheating on me?

I felt sick to my stomach, grabbed my stuff and ran out of his place. I didn’t want to look at him. I drove to the beach, parked my car and sobbed until it was dark. I checked my phone and there were missed calls from Nathan plus a text: Why were you going through my emails? I cried even more, knowing he didn’t care about what I had read, just that I’d breached his privacy. He called again, this time I took a few calming breaths to collect myself and not seem like I’d been crying for hours but my voice was still shaky.

“Patty, why were you going through my emails?”

“I just thought something was wrong with us because you’ve been so distant since I got back and I just wanted to have some reassurance that it was all in my head but I guess it wasn’t and you’re cheating on me with Elly…”

I started to cry again while he ‘explained’ that I was being silly and overreacting. That nothing was going on between him and Elly and there was a logical explanation. He begged me to come back to his place so he could explain it all and although a part of me wanted to hear that it was all a big, BIG misunderstanding, another wiser part of me couldn’t bear to see him lie to my face and say there was another way to interpret the words: “I can’t wait to feel your cum dripping down my cock as I’m fucking you.” So I hung up and turned my phone off. As I drove away from the beach, I could hear Andy’s voice whispering in my head, “Why him and not me?” and started to tear up again.

I didn’t speak to Nathan for about two months and every day he sent me emails and texts, which I deleted and never read. The one day it was like a switch flipped in my brain and all my sadness turned to rage. How dare he cheat on me and then make me feel like the bad person for not giving him a second chance! In my anger I decided to go see him after work and finally confront him and hear what he had to say, knowing that I wasn’t going to fall apart sobbing at his feet and more likely to slap him across the face and storm out.

I planned it all in my head. I’d knock on the door and yell, “You want to explain yourself so badly, well fine I’m here now so you can explain why you cheated on me!” I imagined he’d then start crying and apologise for being a piece of shit, to which I’d tell him to go fuck himself and I’d leave looking like a total badass from an action movie, just casually walking away from an explosion. But when I knocked on the door and he opened it, I couldn’t get the words out. I just stood there staring at him. He hugged me crying, “Patty, I’m so sorry I’ve missed you so much.” I slowly hugged him back, and realised how much I’d been missing him too.

We sat down together in his living room making small talk about how we’d been, what we’d been up to when he finally brought up the reason I was there. “Patty, I never cheated on you with Elly… I was just confused after you got back from overseas because I wasn’t expecting to be the kind of guy that waits around for over half a year for a girl. So I got back in touch with Elly as a test for myself to make sure I really did want to be with you. And I know how it sounds but it’s true, I never did anything with her I just talked shit with her to see if the temptation was there and it wasn’t. The whole time I kept thinking about how I’d much prefer to be with you.” I sat there silently, digesting what he was saying. It seemed too perfect an explanation and I began to wonder if it was something he crafted in the months that we were estranged. At the same time I couldn’t help feel a twinge of empathy, afterall wasn’t Andy my test for temptation?

Almost as if he read my mind, Nathan said, “I know you at least told me about you and Andy, so I’m sorry that I hid what I was doing with Elly from you. And I’m sorry I reacted badly I honestly didn’t see what I did as a bad thing but I do now in retrospect. I never cheated on you, I’ve been cheated on and I wouldn’t want you to go through what I did.” We talked for the rest of the night, trying to make sense of our feelings and how to move forward. As further proof he offered to show me the rest of the emails from Elly, all written in future tense, nothing actually saying anything along the lines of “I enjoyed what we did” and then a final email where he cut things off and she wrote back an angry email for leading her on. We decided to take things slow, as if we were starting again from scratch and we were strangers, which was half true because I still felt like I couldn’t trust him and I knew it would take a long time before I could again.

Nathan was lucky I could sympathise with his idea of wanting to test his mettle because I had done the same. The only difference being, Andy suddenly appeared in my life but I would never have gone out of my way to tempt fate the way Nathan did. If I had never met another person to test the truth of my feelings towards Nathan, everything would have unfolded completely differently and I don’t think I would have believed or forgiven him. Plus we’d spent so much of our relationship initially focusing on rules for cuckolding we never really put in the same amount of effort to discuss ordinary relationship boundaries – ie. Dirty talking with ex-flings = bad. I suppose that’s the other side to cuckolding, the cheating aspect can become a bit skewed for cucks who get off on the idea of seeing their partner being fucked by another guy. So over time, that becomes their only definition of ‘cheating’ and like in our case where we hadn’t established normal relationship boundaries, Nathan didn’t think his emails to Elly would worry me at all. He wasn’t literally fucking her (as I now believe, 2 years later) so he thought it was ok. We have learnt a lot from that experience and I feel we have come a long way in terms of always talking about our issues and any niggly thoughts in the back of our minds. Not to say we don’t have little fights every now and then, usually over something mundane like who was supposed to cook dinner vs do the dishes. But we’re in a better place.

Patty xx